


Phobias

by TheGirlWhoRemembers



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Character studies, Crew as Family, Family, Friendship, Humour, One Shot Collection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-12
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-08 03:12:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 12,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8828182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGirlWhoRemembers/pseuds/TheGirlWhoRemembers
Summary: Phobia: an extreme or irrational fear of or aversion to something. We've all got one. Heroes are no exception. Starfleet's finest have all got them and been affected by them. A series of short pieces inspired by phobias.Latest update: Thanatophobia Fear of Death.





	1. Atychiphobia

**Author's Note:**

> This was written several years ago, pre-Into Darkness, so only follows canon up until this point.  
> I will try and post one chapter a day until it is done.

Pavel Andreievich Chekov has atychiphobia. He cannot stand failure. He avoids it like the plague. But he’d never failed. Never. Not in his seventeen years. Not through four years at Starfleet Academy, not through his entire life. There is the Kobayashi Maru, but everyone fails that. It doesn’t count. But he fears it all the same. It’s irrational.

He should have known it was too good to last. At some point, everyone, even Russian child geniuses, must fail. You cannot only succeed. It just doesn’t work like that. The first time he fails is during the Narada Incident. Vulcan was being swallowed by a black hole; he was beaming Commander Spock, his family and the Vulcan High Council.

He fails. He fails to save Commander Spock’s mother. The first time he fails, someone, someone important to his superior officer, dies. It is as if the universe has decided that he has to pay for never failing before, so the first time he fails, he fails terribly. It only serves to magnify his fear. He avoids failure even more after that. He vows to never fail again.

Then Commander Spock comes to his quarters one night to speak with him. Lieutenant Uhura had told him that Pavel believed that he had failed, and that he, Spock, blamed him for the death of his mother.

_‘Ensign, I do not blame you for the death of my mother. Probability -wise, you should not have been able to beam any of us. You succeeded in beaming a significant majority and lost only one signal. That is to be commended. It is illogical for me to blame you, just as it is also illogical for you to fear failure.’_

It is inevitable that he will fail again. He will endeavour not to. But next time he does, he’s not so scared of it.


	2. Aviophobia

Leonard McCoy fears flying. He hates it, loathes it. It’s downright dangerous, a health and wellbeing risk. He works on a starship in space. A _flying_ starship. That, in the words of Commander Spock, is illogical. But he is an illogical person.

He married at twenty one. Who gets married at twenty one? He got married while in Medical School. Why would anyone get married while still studying in Medical School? He married Jocelyn. Enough said. Joanna was born when he was twenty two. He’d been married only months when Jocelyn had told him. A child while in Medical School, married only a year, at twenty two? It’s not as if they had no choice, this is the 23rd century. There are ways of preventing that. He’s a doctor, of all people, he should know that!

His entire life has been illogical. Strangely, the divorce is one of the most logical things he has ever done. But what follows was not. He left his only daughter behind. _Cruel, idiotic, illogical._ He enlisted in Starfleet while drunk. _Irrational, rash, impulsive._ No wonder he and the green blooded hobgoblin can’t get along.

His life is just one long illogical one. So an irrational fear of flying coupled with an illogical career choice? That’s just one more in a very long list of illogical decisions made by Leonard H. McCoy.


	3. Botanophobia

Hikaru Sulu loves botany. Hikaru Sulu loves plants. When not at the Helm, or in the Dojo, or sleeping, or eating, he can be found in the Arboretum or in the Botany Labs, examining alien specimens or caring for his precious plants.

It cannot be said that he has an irrational fear of plants. So it comes to a very large surprise when he suddenly develops one. Though it is not really a true phobia, nor it is truly his fault. If it was anyone’s, it was probably Captain Kirk’s.

It was just a routine diplomatic mission for the Enterprise. Negotiate with some alien civilisation, et cetera. But this is the Enterprise and there is no such thing as a routine mission. It goes wrong. As usual. Captain Kirk angers some alien priestess and she curses him. Except somehow she gets it wrong and curses Sulu instead. 

They are immediately beamed back aboard the Enterprise. They have collected plant samples from this new planet; the Science Department hopes to examine them thoroughly. Captain Kirk hands them to Sulu, knowing that he probably wishes to examine them himself. Sulu takes one look at the samples, drops them, screams and runs away, leaving a thoroughly confused Captain behind.

After the curse wears off, Hikaru Sulu can be found happily with his plants in the Arboretum or Botany Labs. The Crew never let him forget that he has botanophobia though. They ignore the fact that it was all due to an alien priestess’s curse and that it was not truly a phobia. Is there a word for a _temporary_ fear of plants caused by alien curses?


	4. Coulrophobia

Spock dislikes clowns. He avoids clowns. Clowns cause emotional responses within him. To use a human term, he has a phobia of clowns. A phobia is an irrational fear. This is one of his greatest secrets. He tells no one for years.

But eventually, the truth must come to light. He cannot keep a secret from his bondmate. Nyota Uhura has a woman’s intuition and she always knows when something is wrong. The Captain, being James T. Kirk, sends a thoroughly disturbing image to his Bridge Crew’s PADDs in the name of an April Fool’s Day joke.

_‘Spock? Are you alright? You’ve been staring at your PADD for the past ten minutes...Spock, can you hear me? Spock, you’re shaking, are you cold?’_

He endeavours to clear his mind. It is irrational to fear clowns. Clowns are simply humans dressed in unusual clothing, with coloured paint covering their faces that perform actions or speak words viewed as ‘funny.’ There is no logical reason to fear them.

_‘Nyota, I am afflicted by coulrophobia.’_

_‘Fear of clowns?’_

_‘Affirmative. It is irrational, but no matter what treatments I attempt, it does not appear to make any noticeable difference.’_

_‘Why Spock? Why clowns?’_

_‘Nyota, the behaviour of these beings is so bizarre and irrational. They have no apparent motive for their actions. Therefore they must have a hidden ulterior motive, one that is potentially dangerous.’_

She resists the urge to laugh.

_‘Spock, the point of clowns is to make us laugh, though some people don’t find them funny, but scary. You aren’t the only one, and it is logical and normal to have an irrational fear.’_

He feels a lot better after that. Humans have a strange habit of letting out their fears and emotions and perhaps that is sometimes logical. It is irrational, but as emotions are irrational it is perhaps logical to do the irrational.


	5. Gamophobia

James Tiberius Kirk has an irrational fear. He has an irrational fear of something that is quite frankly, according to Spock, rational. Many people assume that his fear of marriage and the commitment it entails simply stems from his playboy habits. They are wrong, though in some ways they are right. After all, both his gamophobia and womanising lifestyle stem from the same cause.

To tell the truth, he had been affected more than people thought by his father’s death and his mother’s subsequent despair. That is saying a lot, for it is so obvious that the loss of family has defined his entire life and made him who he is.

He fears marriage because he fears attachment. He fears it because he knows that’s why his mother spiralled into depression. She had been attached to George Kirk, _married_ to him. Then she’d lost him and lost herself. Yes, she’d married again, but it was not the same, _she_ was never the same. He’d been too young to remember, but he knows of it, from relatives or from old recordings or pictures that he stumbles across.  He fears attachment because he fears loss. He doesn’t ever want to go the same way as his mother. It’s layer upon layer of fears and worries, manifesting itself into a fear of long term relationships, of attachment and of marriage.

Somewhere, quite possible unconsciously, he has vowed to never become too attached to anything or anyone, lest he lose them and lose himself. That’s why he never let himself become attached to any woman, that’s why he never stayed in any relationship for longer than a couple months. He allowed himself to fall in love, provided that he fell _out_ of love reasonably quickly. He figures that if you don’t get attached, you can lose and not hurt.

But of course that fails. He grows attached. To Bones, to his Crew and to the Enterprise. And so he makes a new resolution. Protect what matters to you, so you don’t lose it and you don’t hurt. It works pretty well. But he still can’t, and he doesn’t think he ever will, bring himself to fall in and stay in love with any woman. He’s never going to commit and he’s never going to get married. He can’t bring himself to. But he’s still got his Lady, the Enterprise. And he’s not going to lose her. Never.


	6. Xenoglossophobia

Nyota Uhura cannot comprehend why anyone would fear, or even dislike, foreign languages. She never understood why some of her Academy classmates had detested Xenolinguistics, one even confessing to a complete _fear_ of going to those classes, so hard she found them.

Perhaps she is biased; she has a talented tongue after all. Learning languages comes easy to her, unlike many others. She has a natural affinity for them; she has always loved learning new languages, gaining the ability to communicate with more and more beings across the universe. There is just something so satisfying about knowing that you can understand and speak the native tongue of someone, a sense of accomplishment about knowing that you can now be understood by even one more being.

In a deep recess of her mind, she knows that it all stems from a fear of not being understood. Not only is it frustrating, it is painful, isolating. She doesn’t like to be alone. But she is a strong, outspoken, intelligent, stubborn young woman, and sometimes, she feels like no one understands her. It’s the 23rd century, but men and women are not truly equal. Few women have attained the rank of Admiral, though many enlist in Starfleet. Female officers are generally less decorated and most rise slower through the ranks when compared to their male counterparts. She is determined to change that. But it’s isolating and leads to misunderstanding. As a Communications Officer, she despises that.

Learning foreign language after foreign language is her way of trying to prevent that, her own way of coping. Though more and more beings can understand the words she speaks, it does not make more understand _her._ But it makes her feel better and it’ll help her to rise through the ranks. She’s a woman on a mission, and no one is going to get in her way.


	7. Frigophobia

Montgomery Scott spent six months marooned on Delta Vega. He spent six months freezing his, well; you know, off, living off protein bits with only Keenser and a tribble for company. He spent six months starving, without scotch or sandwiches, talking to himself. Neither Keenser nor the tribble were conversationalists.

Delta Vega is cold and covered with snow and ice. He’d shivered and shivered through the long months, and all because of a beagle! I mean, a beagle, what’s so special about a beagle? Yeah, it was cute, but it was still a ruddy beagle! It wasn’t his fault, and Admiral Archer had been too attached to that dog anyway. It was for his own good that it was gone, really, in the end.

But there is no way you can emerge from that ordeal without a dislike for cold. A very strong dislike of cold. It could even be described as a fear of cold. Some people called it irrational, but Scotty felt it was perfectly justified in his case.

It’s that very thing that keeps him firmly aboard the Enterprise, where the temperature is always at a bearable level. Anyway, Engineering is always warmer than the rest of the ship, with all the warp cores and the like. It’s nice, comfy and toasty and never cold. That’s why he never leaves the Enterprise. Well, and he’d never abandon her, never. She’s a special Lady indeed.


	8. Nosophobia

It is a particularly slow day onboard the Enterprise. There are no Klingon attacks, no new planets with dangerous life forms or atmospheres, no ion storms and no transporter accidents. In other words, a very atypical day. In the simplest terms, the Crew is bored.

In fact, they are so bored; they have resorted to various activities to keep themselves from dying of boredom.  Sulu, as on all days like this, is releasing his pent-up energy by fencing. He hasn’t left the Bridge. Everyone is carefully avoiding his katana. Chekov is playing Tri-D Chess on his console. He’s just beaten the computer for the fifth time in a row. Uhura is adding to the universal translator’s database. There’s pretty much every language known to the universe on there now. Spock, insisting that it is impossible to die of boredom, and that it is illogical to be bored as there is always something worthwhile to do, is assisting Uhura. Scotty is in the bowels of the ship, doubtlessly conducting repairs or modifications, tinkering with some mechanical invention of his, or attempting to retrieve Admiral Archer’s beagle.

Kirk, being Kirk, decides to annoy Bones.

‘Bones, I think I’ve got Andorian shingles!’

‘Damn it Jim! Your eyeballs ain’t bleeding! I’m a doctor, not an idiot!’

‘Bones, I think the baby’s coming!’

‘Damn it Jim! It’s not physically possible for you to give birth! I’m pretty sure you’ve got kids somewhere in the universe, but you didn’t give birth to them!  Before you know it, you’re going to be paying child support payments, and then you’ll get mad at me for not making sure you get your hypos! I’m a doctor, not a scapegoat!’

‘Bones, you’ve got nosophobia!’

‘Damn it Jim, I’m a- wait, what’s noso-whatever-you-said?’

He shakes his head in mock disgust.

‘I thought you were a doctor, Bones. It’s fear of contracting a disease.’

‘Damn it Jim, I’m a doctor, not a phobiologist! And I don’t have nosophobia!’

‘Damn it Bones, you’re a doctor, not a liar!’

He regrets it later when Bones orders him in to be vaccinated against possibly every known disease in the universe. But at least everyone agrees with him. Bones does have nosophobia.


	9. Nostophobia

James Tiberius Kirk would almost rather face the horrors of the past couple days all over again then board that shuttle back to Earth. Almost. He’s seen complete death and annihilation, destruction and genocide. He’s very nearly died. He’s one of the lucky ones. But he’d almost endure it all again than have to return home.

He knows there’ll be trouble when he gets back. He’d been a stowaway after all. He’d committed mutiny, broke goodness knows how many Starfleet Regulations, all the while on academic suspension. There was still that whole fiasco with the Kobayashi Maru to clear up as well. There was no telling what would happen to him, he might even face court martial. In fact, considering he’d rescued Scotty off Delta Vega, he’d certainly be facing court martial. Admiral Archer was an influential man.

But that’s not why he feared going back. He hadn’t spoken to Sam since Sam ran away from home, when he was only a child. He hadn’t spoken to his mother since, well, he couldn’t remember how long. Since he’d run off the rails, their contact had become sparser and sparser. He’d distanced himself from the broken woman. Then there was Frank. The man who’d made his childhood miserable. The man who’d made Sam, his brother and closest, perhaps only, childhood friend leave him. He never wanted to see him again.

He didn’t want to go home. At least, he didn’t want to go back to what everyone considered his home. He didn’t want to go back to that estranged, broken family he’d left behind. It sounds terrible to say so. So many people have been lost so recently, he lost none of his flesh and blood, yet he doesn’t want to see them. He’s not sure if he cares for them.

He doesn’t consider Iowa his home. Home for him is now with his friends, and on the Enterprise. Bones, his friend, confidant, brother. His Crew, with whom he has forged unbreakable bonds, bonds forged in the fire of danger.

Yet it is on their advice that he stands in front of the house in Iowa, a house that he thought he’d left far behind. It was on their urging that he tries to rebuild shattered relationships, his shattered family.

_Damn it Jim, I’m a doctor, and I know blood’s thicker than water._


	10. Somniphobia

The Enterprise is limping slowly back to Earth. They have defeated Nero, finished the repairs urgently needed to allow them to travel home. Now, they can do nothing but wait as they journey back. Though it is a few days since the loss of Vulcan, since the loss of the Fleet, since the loss of most of their Class, the emotions have only just begun to sink in. After all, they’d only just got time to feel anything, to rest, to stop, to think, now.

They cannot sleep. It is different to the last few days, when they were not allowed to sleep, for need to work. They cannot sleep because they see it; they see death, despair, destruction. They have nightmares. They cannot find peace in themselves, so they are seeking it in any way they can. They are seeking comfort, in whatever ways possible.

Jim Kirk, Captain, sits in the Rec Room, with most of his senior Crew. He watches, observant, noticing the bleary eyes, the tears, the dark circles.

Commander Spock has just lost his homeworld and his mother. He attempts to find solace via meditation, using Vulcan techniques. It doesn’t work. He cannot sleep. But he finds solace using human techniques. He speaks to his father, attempting to repair their relationship. Now, he sits, straight backed, next to Lieutenant Uhura, her hand resting lightly on his. She is fast asleep. He is not, but he looks more rested than he has for days. He finds solace and peace in love. Ironic, as he is half-Vulcan, but also not, as he is half-human. It is his human side that grieves, after all.

He is not the only one to share the pain with a loved one. Kirk remembers the photo that Sulu showed him that morning, in an attempt to raise his morale. It did not work as well as the Helmsman had hoped, it did not help him sleep, but it reminded him of better days. Pavel Chekov, his young Navigator, has grown up fast these last days. But he is not the only one to. A Science Officer stationed on the Bridge has too. Memory strikes, and he remembers attending the birthday celebration of this young woman, she is even younger than Chekov. He is glad they have found comfort together. As of now, they are curled up together in a corner, fast asleep, as if warding off bad dreams by each other’s company. It lifts some of the weight of his heavy heart to know that his two youngest crewmembers have retained some innocence, some naivety, through this ordeal. It helps him to remember the joy, hope, innocence of first love, something that seems like it is from an age ago.

Hikaru Sulu, Helmsman, is currently on shift, but if he were here, Kirk knows that he would be hovering near his two young friends, watching them, practicing his fencing, exerting himself physically, as if to fight off nightmares. He would exercise until he drops, of exhaustion, into a dreamless slumber. He knows that Sulu is close to Chekov, they were friends while at the Academy. He is close to Ellen Lee, the young woman, as well. The three of them have just lost every friend they had while at the Academy, and they are all they’ve got left now.

Bones and Scotty, the old men of the ship, are in another corner, drowning their sorrows in alcohol. Technically, it is against regulation, but no one has the heart to voice that, not even Commander Spock. They are drinking themselves into oblivion, drinking to black out, to induce a sort-of sleep, a dreamless sleep, a peaceful sleep. They are drinking to forget. Scotch and bourbon, bourbon and scotch, it is of no difference what they drink now. He is tempted to join them, but as Captain, he must remain alert, he must set an example. He must keep control of himself.

He stands silently, careful not to disturb any of his Crew, and takes the turbolift to the Bridge. Acknowledging the skeleton Crew, he tells his Helmsman to get some food and sleep. He knows Sulu won’t, but he sends him to anyway. He’ll feel more rested after some food and fencing. He wants to be as alone as possible. He sits down in the Captain’s chair. He has command of this beautiful ship, the Enterprise. He has command of a Crew, the finest he could ask for. He watches the stars as they fly past.

The next morning, his Crew find him asleep in the Captain’s chair, at peace at last.


	11. Xyrophobia

Pavel Andreievich Chekov is the Navigator onboard the starship Enterprise. He is unusually mature and intelligent for his age. Often, one forgets how old he actually is. Often, they forget he’s only a teenager. Except he is a teenager, with every teenage boy’s problems. Nature does not take into account that one is the Navigator of a starship, even the Enterprise.

He walks into Sickbay one morning, with nicks and cuts on his face. Doctor McCoy is on duty and hurries to examine the Ensign.

‘Damn it kid, did you get into a fight or something?’

He shakes his head.

‘Nyet, Doctor.’

‘Then how in the hell did you get these?’

He gestures to the cuts. Chekov looks embarrassed.

‘Vell Doctor, I am sewenteen years old. I am still, how to put eet, _growing_.’

Bones has a fleeting memory of himself at the same age. He gets what he means now.

‘Damn it kid! You’ve got to be careful with those things! They can hurt if you don’t know how to use them properly!’

That still doesn’t really explain why there were so many cuts on the Russian’s face.

‘And how in the hell did you cut yourself so many times? Were you shaking or something?’

The teenager looks even more sheepish.

‘I do not like razors, Doctor McCoy. Zey are too-‘

‘Damn it, kid! You should have just come straight to Sickbay!’

He might have been outwardly grumpy, but internally, the doctor feels quite sorry for the young man, who is dealing with a dilemma that no one else on board thinks much of any more. So he patches him up and teaches him how to use a razor _properly_ and sends him on his way. The kid needs a father figure on board, he figures. He’s the only one of the senior Crew to have children himself, so the duty falls to him, naturally.


	12. Agoraphobia

The Kobayashi Maru. The test that struck fear into the hearts of all Command Track Cadets, the unwinnable scenario. Yet that was the purpose of the test, to experience fear. To experience fear in the face of certain death and to keep control of oneself and one’s Crew.

Hikaru Sulu sat the test. He decided it was a trap, and elected not to cross the Neutral Zone or engage the Klingon Birds of Prey. It was a choice made under duress, a choice that pulled at his moral fibres, but it was the choice he made in the end. It was just too great a risk to take. He failed. Everyone fails. Even the very best and brightest Cadets fail. They’d all comforted him, saying that no one passes the Kobayashi Maru. McKenna, Chekov, Kirk, even geniuses cannot pass it. He had felt stupid for it. It does not make him feel any better when one of his friends, who had sat the test just the day after him, tells him that she did dreadfully and expected to be moved to the Sciences Track after her disaster of a Kobayashi Maru. He had mulled over it for weeks and weeks, wondering why. He didn’t wonder why he failed, he knew. You cannot disobey orders, and his orders were to rescue the Kobayashi Maru, which he didn’t. But he wondered why on Earth he would be set an impossible task. Then Kirk’s hearing, the Narada, Vulcan happens and he knows why.

Pavel Chekov took the test as well, at the tender age of sixteen. It is strikes the most fear into his heart, the most fearful event of his sixteen years. He doesn’t know that he’ll soon feel worse. He doesn’t know that he’ll soon see death and destruction and that it is worse, a hundred times worse, in real life. He orders his ship evacuated and crashes it into one of the Klingon Birds of Prey. As he gives the orders, he hears a sharp intake of breath from the black haired girl playing his First Officer. She recognises the tactic as similar to the one used by George Kirk aboard the Kelvin, the one they’d gone over just last night, in preparation for their exams. It does work and it doesn’t work. He destroys the Klingons, but destroys the Kobayashi Maru in the process. He fails, but Sulu, who’d played his Helmsman and sat the test the day before and the dark haired girl, Ellen, his closest friend at the Academy, who’d sat the test right before him, tell him that no one has ever passed the Kobayashi Maru, and as he’d managed to accomplish the task of destroying the Klingons, he shouldn’t count it as failure. So he doesn’t, and his record remains flawless, at least in his own mind.

Montgomery Scott had sat the test, much to the surprise of his fellow crewmembers. He’s an Engineer after all, and he’d graduated long before them. But he tells them of his, of how he managed to win using theoretical physics, something that would have not worked in the real world, yet worked in the simulation. He’d been moved to Engineering after that, but he had not minded. That was his objective. He never wanted to command. His passion was in the warp cores, the engines, the bowels of the ship, tending to his Lady. No one thinks any lower of him for that, though he technically didn’t fail the Kobayashi Maru, he doesn’t care that he ‘passed.’

James T. Kirk infamously sat the test. Three times. Every single time, he was deemed to have failed. He won the last, but he cheated. He hacked the program. He justified it in his own mind that the test was impossible, a cheat, a no-win scenario that could not be won by lateral thinking or exemplary tactics.  He’d later proved this; the most brilliant minds in Starfleet could not come up with any method. There was not supposed to be one. True, Scotty’s use of advanced physics had worked in the simulation, but would not work in real life.  Sulu, Chekov, McKenna, Lee, the brightest of the brightest could not pass it. One had done nothing, one had copied his father’s tactic, one had collapsed partway through suffering from lungworm and the last had attempted to use shuttles and cargo pods as missiles. But he’d passed it, in his own Jim Kirk way. He didn’t believe in no-win scenarios and he never was going to. Even after the Narada, he still didn’t and nothing is ever going to make him.

James Tiberius Kirk, the youngest starship Captain in history, does not have agoraphobia.


	13. Gynophobia

The men of the Enterprise do not have gynophobia. Well, at least not of _all_ women, and not _necessarily_ a fear. It’s an old, old saying that sums it all up. Behind every great man there’s a great woman. Well, and they’re also a little scared of them too. After all, Lieutenant Uhura can be _scary_ when she wants to be.

* * *

 ‘Daddy, can I have a pony? Please?’

Doctor McCoy smiles at his little girl. To think that the grumpy doctor could even do so is a miracle in itself.

‘Sorry Jo, but you know your mother won’t let you.’

‘She would if I say that you said I could.’

‘No Jo, you can’t have a pony.’

She pouts and gives him the puppy dog eyes. It works every single time; the doctor’s a sucker for them.

‘Oh, alright, I’ll talk to your mother.’

* * *

 

‘Spock, where have you put my chocolate?’

He looks sheepish, as much as a Vulcan can.

‘I do not understand, Nyota. Why would you inquire as to where I have placed your chocolate, when you have no logical proof that I removed it?’

‘Spock, I don’t need proof. I _know._ Where is it?’

‘Nyota, that is illogical. There is no evidence that I have knowledge of the whereabouts of your chocolate. I have no motivation to consume it; you know that I am intoxicated by it.’

‘Spock, you _do_ have a motivation to remove it. After that embarrassing incident in the Mess Hall, you have a very logical motivation to remove all chocolate in the vicinity, as if you consume it, you will have your ability to perform your duties impaired severely. You would need to, logically, remove all chocolate from where the Captain could possibly access it.’

Spock blushes, slightly green.

‘Nyota, I do not know the location of your chocolate. I suggest-‘

She glares at him.

‘Spock, I _know_ you know.’

He shakes his head.

‘I do not know.’

Another glare and he decides that logically, for self-preservation, to inform her of his actions.

‘I placed the chocolate inside a cargo pod and allowed Mr Scott to use aforementioned cargo pod to test his most recent theory of long-distance beaming. Therefore, I am not certain of the location of the cargo pod, and hence do not know the location of your chocolate. As such, I did not lie when I made my previous statements.’

She looks furious. He looks as frightened as a Vulcan can possibly be.

* * *

 ‘Captain, your last report was an absolute-‘

‘Calm down, Janice. Don’t get your hair in a tizzy.’

‘Don’t _calm down Janice_ me, Captain! This is a serious matter, you cannot send a report to Starfleet, with, I quote, ‘ _they were nasty, so we kicked their asses.’_ Do you have any idea all the diplomatic issues you would cause? Or the poor reflection this has upon this ship and yourself?’

Captain Kirk, Starfleet hero, takes one look at his furious Yeoman and his courage falters.

‘I’ll re-write the report.’

She smirks.

‘Thank you Captain.’

And she leaves, looking decidedly full of herself.

* * *

 Sulu is in the middle of a fencing bout, between himself and Ensign Martinez from Security. He’s winning, as usual, and having a good time. His communicator buzzes, interrupting what he thought would surely have been the winning strike.

‘Karu, I don’t care if you’re fencing, get down to the Arboretum _now_!’

A rather annoyed female voice fills the area.

Apologising, Hikaru Sulu leaves and rushes up to the Arboretum. His fiancé, a botanist, immediately notices his arrival, and hands him a pair of pruning shears. She indicates the plants behind her.

‘They’re not going to prune themselves.’

* * *

 ‘Pavel, why did you tell Victor that chess was invented in Russia?’

Pavel Chekov looks up from a pile of reports at his annoyed-looking wife.

‘Ellen, you know zat chess vas inwented-‘

‘It was not! Pavel, you know perfectly well that chess was not invented in Russia, it was invented-‘

He hurriedly cuts her off.

‘Vell, I know eet vasn’t, but I vas just instilling a sense of pride for Russia into him! Eet vasn’t causing any harm!’

‘Wasn’t causing any harm? Wasn’t causing any harm? He got into a fight with Commander Spock’s son! Who is one quarter Vulcan and struggling to control his emotions! I got the report from their teacher _today!_ Three days after it was sent!’

She’d found it. He’s a dead man. He pretends to look surprised.

‘Vell, at least zat means zat neither of zem vere hurt.’

Bad idea. She can see right through him.

‘From now on, Pavel, no telling Victor about Russian inventions.’

‘Ewen eef-‘

‘You can tell him if they really were invented in Russia. And only if they were according to Commander Spock.’

She rests a hand on her stomach.

‘Don’t you dare tell anything of the sort to his little sister when she gets here either.’

He gulps. He should have listened to Commander Spock, who advises that it is wise, and essential for survival, to simply agree with pregnant women.

‘Where is Victor anyway?’

He decides then that it would be foolish to tell her that he has taught their three year old son how to reprogram the replicator and override the controls she put on it in order to make brownies.

* * *

Leonard McCoy had the worst luck in the universe. He just happens to be stranded on an uninhabited planet with his pregnant wife, who has just gone into labour.

‘Damn you, Jim! When we get out of here-‘

It’s Kirk’s fault. It’s always Kirk’s fault.

‘Damn it Len, get over here, the baby’s nearly here!’

He’s delivered babies before, but not in the middle of nowhere without proper medical equipment or sanitation and he’s always had a nurse or midwife beside him. But this time it’s his Head Nurse who’s in labour.

‘Damn it woman, I’m a-‘

‘Yes, damn it Len, you’re a doctor! So get over here!’

* * *

 

The Enterprise is in a decidedly peaceful area, so the Engineers are taking the time to give their ship some tender loving care. Scotty thinks that she needs it, she’s been a bit temperamental lately, like all women are if you don’t give them the attention they want. After a few repairs, some tweaking and some tinkering, she’ll be better than new and purring along nicely.

‘It’s all going to be alright, my Lady. I’ll have you going along better than ever soon enough. You’ll be the finest in the Fleet, and all the others will be jealous!’

He swears that he hears her reply with thanks. He’s glad she’s happy, because an unhappy ship means an unhappy Engineer.


	14. Kosmikophobia

Ion storms. These two, relatively short, words strike fear into the hearts of all the crewmembers of the Enterprise. Ion storms are dangerous; they can destroy a starship given the right conditions. But that isn’t the main reason why Sickbay floods with stressed, terrified crew every time they near an ion storm.  They bring to mind memories, memories of events they’d all rather forget.

At first they thought that ion storms where only issues when they were using the transporter at the same time. Like the time when Doctor McCoy, Commander Spock, Lieutenant Uhura and the Captain ended up in the universe with all the evil versions of themselves and were swapped for said versions. Or the time when somehow, strangely, every parallel universe’s James Kirk ended up aboard the Enterprise. Then they discovered that ion storms tended to damage the transporter. This was discovered after Captain Kirk was split into two, bad Kirk and good Kirk. The hypothesis was reaffirmed when Doctor McCoy and Commander Spock switched bodies and almost as good as a certainty after Chekov and an unfortunate Science Officer were fused into one consciousness, temporarily creating an extremely, extremely intelligent individual. Captain Kirk joked that he may not split them back, as they were a lot smarter combined. He regretted that soon after. It seems highly intelligent beings are not to be joked with.

In the end, it was discovered that transporters in use or not, ion storms still do very strange things. Even when you’re just flying through them. This was discovered after the entire Alpha Shift Bridge Crew were changed into animals and confirmed after they were sent hurtling through time. Though the first was a pain, the second was educational. They managed to brush up on their 20th century history, who knows if it might come in handy one day?

So it is with great trepidation that they approach this latest ion storm. What weird things will happen this time? Will they awake to find themselves as children? Or Klingons? Or holovid stars? The Crew have kosmikophobia after all. In the words of Commander Spock, given their experiences, it is perfectly logical. Captain Kirk has a thought though.

‘You know, why do we always have to go _through_ them? Why not around? I mean, we’ve got the best Pilot and Navigator in the Fleet, why can’t they think of something?’

Sulu and Chekov exchange glances.

‘Vy didn’t ve zink of zat?’

‘I don’t know. It’s almost as if we were _made_ to go through them, by some kind of greater power.’

‘Vell, life vould be a lot less exciting eef ve vent around, Keptain. So I guess ve have to go straight through.’


	15. Mageirocophobia

23rd century technology has greatly reduced the need to cook. Being on a starship in space makes a difference too. It’s not as if there is room to cook and there are cooks onboard for a reason. All in all, it means that none of the senior Crew almost ever has to cook. For a good reason too, because none of them, absolutely none of them, can.

Now, Uhura, Kirk reasons, is female. As a generalization, females are better cooks than males, right? She must be an exception to the rule then. She’s good at pretty much anything else, but she cannot cook to save her life. This is what he thinks as he stares down at the bowl of soup; at least, that’s what he thinks it is, in front of him, as his fellow friends endeavour to swallow the substance. Spock is the only one who can keep a straight face as he does so. It does not help that he suffers a terrible allergic reaction moments later. It appears that it was an attempt at plomeek soup. Kirk is allergic to that, it appears the medical records had not been consulted and he had not recognised the soup, so different from the intended it was.

Not that Kirk can cook either. As they stare down at the lumps of charcoal, Uhura, Bones, Spock, Chekov, Sulu and Scotty point blank refuse to try them. Then Bones rubs salt into the wounds by scanning it with his tricorder and declaring it an occupational health and safety hazard.

_‘Damn it Jim, from now on, you’re not allowed to cook. I’m a doctor and I cannot allow anyone to eat this stuff!’_

But Bones can’t talk either. He can’t cook. He tries, he really tries. On shoreleave on Earth, he tries to bake cookies with Joanna. Several hours, a fire brigade call and a destroyed kitchen later, father and daughter abandon their attempt and just go punch an order into the replicator. It’s a good bonding experience, but Jocelyn forbids Joanna from eating any of his cooking, which he thinks is one of the few good ideas, if not the only, that his ex-wife has ever had.

Chekov has an excuse. Really, he does. He’s been at the Academy or in space since he was 13, it’s not as if he’s had the chance to learn. Though perhaps it would not have helped, the kid manages to burn water, despite his insistence that it is not physically possible to do so. Cooking is chemistry, right? He’s a child genius; surely his chemistry is up to scratch? Chekov replies that he is a _physicist,_ not a chemist. But either way, he can’t cook.

Sulu can spacejump onto a drill platform with only a parachute and fight angry Romulans. He’s the Enterprise’s onboard ninja. But he simply refuses to go anywhere near the kitchens, citing a very long story involving Klingons, bad tofu, a lot of soy sauce, some explosive wasabi, a samurai, Chuck Norris, the Musketeers and his very angry mother. No one is quite sure how much of the story is _true_ , but with Sulu, you just never know.

Scotty is an engineer, not a cook. He spent six months on Delta Vega living off protein bits. It was never mentioned that part of the problem was that neither he nor Keenser can cook, not even a sandwich. The one time he tries, there are bits of wire, some grease and what looks suspiciously like a piece of the warp core in, what appears to be, a sandwich. No one is really quite sure what it is.

Spock, to the delight of the Captain, cannot cook either. At least, he can’t cook anything palatable by humans. The First Officer insists that his creation is delicious for Vulcans, but may not be edible for humans. He declares that it is illogical that he learned to cook Terran cuisine; he is Vulcan and lived on Vulcan. But what of his human mother? No one raises this, for fear of upsetting the half-Vulcan. Friends, it is decided, must put up with one another’s culinary attempts.


	16. Nucleomituphobia

Strangely enough, it is not the actual nuclear weapons that Pavel Chekov has a phobia for. That’s not saying he’s not scared of them. Who isn’t? They’re deadly and dangerous. Unbeknownst to most, Hikaru Sulu knows of Japan half of what Chekov knows of Russia, which is saying a lot. Chekov’s a walking encyclopaedia on Russian after all.

Sulu’s told him all about Hiroshima and Nagasaki, how atomic bombs, perhaps the deadliest weapon of the 20th century, perhaps one of the deadliest weapons ever invented, were dropped on these two cities. He tells him of the death, the destruction, the despair that had followed. How the effects were felt decades and decades after that one event. Yes, he’s scared of nuclear weapons, but no more than the next person. It’s not an irrational fear.

No, his fear stems from the actual word. He really hates having to say it. He truly dislikes the laughter and amusement it causes in his colleagues and friends, he hates it when they call him cute, or adorable or any of the synonyms. He really, really hates his accent sometimes. The Captain always seems to contrive ways to force him to say it. He can’t disobey orders after all. But he really doesn’t understand what is so amusing about ‘nuclear wessels.’


	17. Trypanophobia

The CMO of the starship Enterprise is secretly regarded as being paranoid. Or perhaps not so secretly in the case of James T. Kirk. The CMO of the starship Enterprise has been known to vaccinate his Crew for anything and everything, be it Andorian shingles or chickenpox. Perhaps it is of little wonder then, that several unfortunate crewmembers have developed an irrational aversion to hypos. The Captain is among them.

It is a fairly common, monthly occurrence, that one witnesses Leonard McCoy chasing Kirk through the corridors, the turbolifts, the Jefferies tubes, the Bridge and the Arboretum, hypo in hand. This is when they all know that the Captain is due for his monthly contraceptive hypo, and thank God Doctor McCoy is so dedicated to his job and friend. Youngest Captain and saviour of the Federation, it would not protect him from the horror of custody battles or child support payments and angry hoards of women that he barely has any recollection of.

 Yet it does not stop him from running, month after month, year after year. It does not stop the bets on where he will be caught next, or the recordings taken and sent discreetly to friends stationed elsewhere. It does not stop the ceaseless laughter and smiling faces.

But Captain James Tiberius Kirk does not mind. In fact, that’s the very reason why he flees from Bones and his hypos month after month. A Captain must always give a little for the good of his Crew, and morale is as important as anything else. A Captain must also always keep his CMO on his toes. He can’t let Bones get complacent after all, that just wouldn’t do. This is the Enterprise, the flagship, the best of the best, so he does his bit to be the best Captain in the Fleet.


	18. Gerascophobia

It is the year 2308. It is the 50 year anniversary of the destruction of Vulcan, and the Enterprise Crew from the time has gathered on New Vulcan, as honoured guests. It has been quite some time since they have met last, even longer since they have served together.

Admiral Montgomery Scott is as lively as ever, he still lectures occasionally at Starfleet Academy, but spends much of his time conducting his own experiments. Rumours are he has managed to retrieve the now-deceased Admiral Archer’s beagle. He is known for his high standards and long lectures to Cadets for not respecting the starships enough and telling long winded tales of the Enterprise and of how she is greater than any of the new classes of ships.

Admiral Leonard McCoy is as grumpy as ever, and as it turns out, as scared of space as he ever was. This is only matched by his fear of transporters. He insists on taking a shuttle to the surface, rather than beaming, causing much gossip and tittering by the young members of the Crew of the ship he is travelling on. He then proceeds to lecture the ‘kids’ about the dangers of space travel. Of late, he has adopted using the term ‘kids’ for anyone younger than his children, which means almost all of Starfleet’s active duty officers.  His wife, Christine, apologises profusely to the Captain, stating that he’s always been like this, and that he’s getting even worse in his old age.

‘Damn it woman, I’m a doctor, and I’m not deaf! I know that I’m not getting any younger!’

Ambassador Spock now appears the youngest of all his friends. He is half-Vulcan after all. Following in his counterpart’s footsteps, he is no longer in military service, instead working to ensure good relations with the various species and planets in the known universe. He is based on Earth, but due to his duties, he does not often meet his friends, many of whom are also based on Earth.

Admiral Nyota Uhura is someone he sees often though. His wife and bondmate, who does, despite being younger than him, appear older now, much to her chagrin. She has fulfilled her goal of rising to the highest rank, and is now widely regarded as a trailblazer for other females. It is a legacy she is proud to leave behind. She is now the idol of many women, including in this her daughter, a starship Captain, as well as her only granddaughter.

Admiral Hikaru Sulu, still on active duty as Commander of a Fleet, but perhaps not for much longer, arrives in command of the Fleet sent by Starfleet for the commemoration. As adventurous as always, he has been stubbornly resisting and ignoring suggestions that he retire from space duty. He has been known to threaten would-be opposition using his katana. In addition, his daughter, Captain Demora Sulu, is one of his greatest supporters, and she has inherited his skills with the sword.

Admiral Pavel Chekov, Commander of Starbase One, arrives with his closest friend. The former Navigator, much to his annoyance, is still known as ‘the whiz kid.’ They still regard him as the young one, even though he points out he is now a grandfather four times over and that his eldest grandchild has now almost finished their second year at the Academy.

Admiral James T. Kirk is the last to arrive. Apparently, he had missed space travel so much; he had taken the scenic route to get to New Vulcan. It is of much wonder to everyone why he is even an Admiral, it is of common knowledge that he despises paperwork and administration, and that he thinks that Admirals are totally useless and powerless to change the galaxy. It is startling then, for his former Crew, to find that age has somewhat sobered their former Captain. He knows now the responsibility needed to be an Admiral and acknowledges what his position allows him to do. He is even able to complete paperwork at an acceptable rate, though how much this is due to his former Yeoman’s influence, no one knows.

It is with these startling changes in their Captain that the Crew realise how long it has been. They realise now how much older they have become and how much they have changed. Now, they realise, they do not have as long left as they would like. With their duties, how many more times will they meet before one of them is gone forever? So it is with that born in mind that they meet again for a drink.

‘Mr Scott, should you really be drinking zat much? You are not as young as you used to be.’

Chekov, with the same smile, rather innocently wonders if Scotty should be drinking, all the while holding a glass of vodka in his hand. The Scotsman eyes the Russian, glances at his scotch and shakes his head.

‘I preferred you when you weren’t old enough to drink, lad.’

Perhaps they had not changed as much as they thought.


	19. Zoophobia

The Enterprise Crew has zoophobia. Well, perhaps not exactly fear of animals. But there’s no word for fear of being turned into animals, is there? So zoophobia will have to do.

It all begins when they run into yet another of those pesky ion storms. Several minutes and a mass blackout later, they wake and move around, returning to their duties. Or at least they try to. For the Bridge doesn’t seem the same, _they_ don’t seem the same.

There is a Japanese macaque at the Helmsman’s station. Thankfully, a macaque, which has opposable thumbs, is still able to pilot, though he can barely reach the controls for lack of height and is having to stand on his chair.

Beside him, at the Navigation console is a European hare, who now no longer able to reach his controls, is standing on the console itself.  On closer inspection, it appears to be a juvenile, almost, but not fully, developed.

At Communications is a lioness, balancing on her hind paws. She manages to activate the universal translator, however, it is not calibrated for the various animal ‘languages’ they are now speaking. She seems rather annoyed, and gets to work calibrating the translator.

There is a gopher tortoise, looking rather resigned, right where Doctor McCoy had been just ten minutes ago. He is glaring, if a tortoise even can, at the base of the Captain’s chair. He can’t seem to look any higher.

There is a badger on the Bridge, looking thoroughly confused, but slightly excited, and also rather upbeat. What is there about this situation that one could be upbeat about? The badger has a sandwich hanging from his mouth. Do badgers eat sandwiches?

There is a sehlat at the Science Officer’s station. Said sehlat appears emotionless, but if it had eyebrows, would surely be raising one. The sehlat is attempting to hold a pen in his mouth to write something on the screen behind him. He is not having much success.

In the Captain’s chair is a raccoon. Said raccoon is eating the apple that he had been eating while in human form. The raccoon is also attempting to issue orders, while simultaneously eating the apple, ignoring looks of disgust from the lioness.

Around the Bridge, there is a menagerie of animals. A red panda can be spotted, assisting the sehlat and the hare with a series of calculations on the screen. This is rather difficult, as none of them have opposable thumbs. As the universal translator is now functioning, they are also conversing with the badger, attempting to find a way to revert to their original forms. The tortoise is panicking, as much as a tortoise can panic, doubtlessly about the many more diseases they could be afflicted by due to the changes in their biology. There are also several non-Terran animals, a squirrel, and an owl on the Bridge.

Finally, the sehlat approaches the raccoon.

‘Captain, if our calculations are correct, which there is a very strong probability that they are, we will revert back to our original physical forms once we exit this cosmic phenomena.’

And sure enough, they do. As they exit the ion storm, they slip into unconsciousness, and awaken as their usual selves.

Captain Jim Kirk, no longer a raccoon, addresses his Crew.

‘We will never speak of this again. Ever.’

The heads nod in assent. This is not an event they ever want to repeat. This belief is further affirmed by the no-longer-a-tortoise McCoy ramming hypos into the neck of everyone in reach, trying to prevent various infections.


	20. Paraskevidekatriaphobia

As they wake, the Crew of the Enterprise glance at the Stardate. Subconsciously, many of them convert it to an Earth date. Then the screams begin, originating from the Captain’s quarters.

A panicked Captain Kirk rushes, wearing only a pair of boxers, onto the Bridge.

‘Has anything unusual been picked up on the sensors?’

Commander Spock, who is already on the Bridge, fully clothed, raises an eyebrow at his Captain’s clothing, or rather, lack of clothing.

‘No, Captain. Were you expecting an anomaly?’

He motions to Uhura to begin a ship wide broadcast.

‘This is your Captain speaking. Today is Friday the 13th. Would all crewmembers avoid black cats, walking under ladders and stepping on cracks. Would all crewmembers please pick up any pennies they see, wear green and carry a horseshoe on their person. Thank you.’

Uhura rolls her eyes. Spock raises his eyebrow further.

‘Captain, your orders are illogical. There are no black felines aboard, nor are pennies still in circulation-‘

‘Spock, it’s Friday the _13 th_!

‘Captain, I fail to see how the thirteenth day of a standard Earth month falling on the fifth day of a standard Earth week justifies your behaviour.’

Uhura rolls her eyes again and takes pity on Spock.

‘Spock, there’s a lot of superstition attached to the day. People believe that it is unlucky, and bad things happen on the day.’

‘Lieutenant, that is illogical. This day is statistically no more dangerous or unlucky than any other day of the Gregorian calendar.’

‘That doesn’t stop people like our Captain from believing in it.’

Turns out that the Captain isn’t the only one. A distraught Chekov shows up twenty minutes late on the Bridge, crying into the shoulder of a rather resigned-looking Science officer, watched by Sulu, who is struggling to contain his laughter. Between tearful sobs, he manages to tell them that he stepped on a crack that morning, so his mother’s back must be broken.

‘Mr Chekov, I do not understand. How does placing one’s foot on a gap between floor panels damage one’s mother’s spine?’

This just makes Chekov cry even harder. Captain Kirk, worried and sympathetic, orders the Science officer to accompany Chekov to Sickbay. They leave, the Science officer with a bone-weary expression on her face.

Bones is not happy. He’s had a rush of distressed Crew into Sickbay.

‘Damn it, Jim, I’m a doctor, not a counsellor!’

It is the day after, and Spock is looking over incident reports. Despite the huge surge in admissions to Sickbay, there was actually a drop of 5.32% of accidents onboard on Friday the 13th. Logically, the effect does not exist and he has just proved his logic. But as many of his mostly human crewmates suffer from paraskevidekatriaphobia, he logically files a request to Starfleet for a ship’s counsellor. But with the rate of paperwork and bureaucracy, it could be a century before the request is granted.


	21. Phonophobia

‘Exceptional aural sensitivity.’

That’s what allows Nyota Uhura to do her job so well. It is what may well have saved her life. It is, essentially, part of what makes her who she is. But sometimes, she absolutely hates it.

Due to her exceptional hearing, noises, even very soft ones, are audible. Noises are louder to her than to most others. This is usually very good and she can use it to her advantage. But there are times when it is just ridiculously inconvenient, even annoying. There had been that infuriating, high-pitched beeping in her quarters that had kept her up for three nights. She’d called Engineering to fix it, but it seems that the engineers couldn’t hear it. They’re probably all partially deaf, so many explosions happen down there.

Explosions. Living on the Enterprise, there are plenty of those. There are also plenty of shouts and screams, in general, lots of loud noises. On her extremely sensitive ears, that’s painful. As such, Nyota Uhura has developed phonophobia. Her bondmate states that it is illogical to fear loud noises, she quotes right back at him that he has stated that it was logical for him to fear touch as a child, due to lack of control over his telepathy. He is forced to concede. Nyota Uhura fears loud noises, for a perfectly justified, logical reason.


	22. Chorophobia

Damn official Starfleet functions.

What is their purpose? Yes, Spock says they are ‘diplomatically significant and vital’, but even he can’t state the actual _reason._

To most of the Enterprise Crew, official functions means wearing those uncomfortable, scratchy dress uniforms, no Klingon attacks (except for that one time on Starbase 24),  and having to make incredibly boring small talk with important people they don’t care about and don’t ever want to see again. Then there’s the dancing. Don’t even get them started on that.

Spock, usually so graceful, and one of the few who actually looks at home in a dress uniform, and is capable of maintaining polite conversation with VIPs without losing his mind, looks distinctly uncomfortable, for a Vulcan, as he spins around the floor with some Andorian diplomat’s daughter. Uhura looks distinctly unhappy about this.

McCoy, being the right Southern gentleman he is, seems more comfortable than Spock. He’s a good dancer, even if you wouldn’t think the doctor could. He doesn’t dislike this formal dancing, much preferring it over ‘grinding to that noise’ as he refers to Jim’s favoured nightclub dances. It seems the ladies prefer it too. Or perhaps they just like Bones.

Scotty is hiding. Admiral Archer’s here. That requires no explanation. He would never, ever be seen on the dance floor, not unless he was very, very, very drunk.

Sulu can dance. He seriously can. Do the ninja skills help? Noticing the Captain refusing to dance, he immediately takes to the floor, with a very pretty young woman who Kirk recognises as Admiral Pike’s daughter. Typical Sulu, he and Kirk often have so-called ‘friendly’ competitions. He never misses a chance to get one up on the Captain.

Chekov was reluctant. Until someone enquires about the origins of ballroom dance. Then he insists that it is a Russian invention, and takes to the floor to prove it, taking with him an exasperated Ensign, by now used to his obsession with his homeland. Said Ensign is now trying not to wince as he steps on her toes as they waltz around the room.

Which brings Captain James Tiberius Kirk back to his present dilemma.  To dance, or not to dance? If he dances, he’ll make a right royal fool of himself, they’ll be talking of this for years to come. If he doesn’t dance, in Spock’s words, he is ‘not presenting a favourable representation of himself and by extension, Starfleet and the Federation.’ He sighs inwardly. It’s the lesser of two evils this time. This is a no-win situation. Sure, he doesn’t mind busting a few moves on the dance floor of a dimly-lit club to a throbbing beat, but this? Formal, ballroom dancing? He’d take Klingons any day.

But then a beautiful Ardanan girl asks him to dance, and as it would be churlish to refuse, he takes up the offer.

Does Jim Kirk have chorophobia? Maybe, but he’s also found a cure.


	23. Anginophobia

James T. Kirk wakes suddenly from his sleep, clammy, pale and shaking. His hands reach for his neck, feeling the ghost of a strong hand around it. He shivers involuntarily. He remembers struggling to breathe, that awful, constricted feeling, the burning in his lungs. He sighs and gets up to use the bathroom. He’ll have to change his clothes. They’re soaked with sweat from his nightmares. He’s lost count of how many he’s had, but it’s almost always the same. He sees Vulcan, the Narada, like every other one of his Crew, but the most frequent vision is Spock’s hand around his throat, squeezing his windpipe. He swears the marks are still there.

Unable to return to sleep, he exits his quarters and sets off on an aimless walk.

Spock is suddenly roused from his meditation by an unbidden, disturbing image. He is strangling the Captain. This is one of many unbidden, emotional thoughts that have plagued him since the destruction of Vulcan and the loss of his mother. He has spent long hours in meditation in an attempt to remove these images from his mind, but with no success. This disturbs him. He is losing control. That is a problem that is recurring frequently. Much too frequently. He allows himself an inward sigh, and stands. There is no purpose to continue his meditation now, not with his mind wandering as it is.

He decides to go for a walk. It is illogical, but perhaps it will calm his mind. With a stab of pain, he remembers this as his mother’s advice.

It is by sheer chance that both Captain and First Officer end up in the same Rec Room, looking out the window at the stars flying past. Or perhaps it is destiny. Either way, it is, for all intents and purposes, one and the same.

‘Good evening, Captain.’

‘Evening, Spock.’

They are both distinctly uncomfortable. Kirk fidgets a little. Spock remains stiff, hands clasped behind his back.

Kirk breaks the silence.

‘We’re only a day away from home.’

‘Yes, Captain.’

More silence. More tension.

This time, it is broken simultaneously.

‘I apologise for attempting to suffocate you, Captain.’

‘Sorry for emotionally compromising you, Spock.’

‘I also apologise for marooning you upon the surface of the frigid planet known as Delta Vega.’

‘Sorry about your mum.’

They lapse back into silence. But this time, it’s a more comfortable, at ease silence.

This is the beginning of the relationship that will define them both.


	24. Astraphobia

They are on Earth. They are home now, safely. They are waiting for the Enterprise’s repairs to be completed, before they head back into space. Home is a safe place, a sanctuary, is it not?

But every sanctuary can be breached. There are greater forces out there, forces that can defy even the greatest of people. Mother Nature, the weather, is one such force.

It is on their last night on Earth when it happens. A lightning storm. A loud one, a menacing one. A lightning storm, like the very storms that marked the encounters with the Narada. Like the very storm on the day of James T. Kirk’s birth, like the storm the day Vulcan was lost.

It rouses them, one by one.

First Spock, with his superior hearing. This is a tortuous time for him. It brings back memories, pain. _Mother..._ _Disadvantage... The Vulcan way... I feel anger for the one who took mother’s life, an anger I cannot control..._ He has had vengeance. He feels little better.

Then Uhura. She notices Spock’s pain; she hears the thunder rumble and the lightning flash. She feels it too. _Tell me what you need..._ She takes his hand in hers. He pulls her closer.

Jim Kirk is next. A whirlwind of emotions swirls within him. His childhood, what little he knows of his father. _Your father was Captain of a starship for twelve minutes...I dare you to do better..._ Has he done better? Not in his mind.

Then Chekov. Tears fall thick and fast, he cannot control them, bite them back. He does not want anyone to see, he is not a child! _Oh good, he’s seventeen..._ But as the thunder sounds and the lightning flashes, he sees the Commander’s face, the console screen, the falling signal, hears the alarms.

It is Sulu next. _Have you disengaged the external inertial dampener?_ He hates to think of what would have happened if he had. He remembers, vividly, of piloting through the wreckage of the other ships. A sick feeling rises in his stomach.

Bones wakes. _Doctor Puri was on Deck Six... He’s dead..._ The scent of death fills his nostrils; blood stains the walls, as the thunder roars and the lightning flashes outside. Surgery after surgery, death after death, replays in his mind on constant repeat.

Finally Scotty. He did not see either storm, he wasn’t there. But he can feel his new-found friends’ pain. _I like this ship, it’s exciting!_ In hindsight, not the best thing to say. But as the storm blows over, and he gazes over the rain-soaked ground, he feels his friends’ need some light in their lives.

After a storm, rainbows can be seen, flowers grow, and life begins anew. For all their sakes, hopefully it holds true for the Enterprise’s Crew.


	25. Dystychiphobia

In Engineering, onboard the Enterprise, there is a sign.

_Days Since Last Accident: 0.32_

Commander Spock insists that it is correct to two decimal places. They have yet to get over the one. Scotty hopes they can by the end of the five year mission. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem very likely.

Unless you are an engineer, going down to Engineering is tantamount to announcing that you have a death wish, want to find yourself in the care of an annoyed Bones or spend the next month writing reports, all of which are possible consequences of doing so.

After all, the moment you go down to Engineering, you are at risk of being blown up. _Just my latest invention, Captain! No harm to it!_ Or having something dropped on you. _Look out below! Err...someone call Sickbay!_ Or being pulled through the reactor coolant pipes. _Ach, not again Captain!_ Or, known as the greatest risk to your life and sanity, being the latest test subject for one of Scotty’s more experimental theories. He did promise to stop after they couldn’t find poor Yeoman Suzuki, only for her to turn up a week later in the Arboretum, inside one of Sulu’s larger, more dangerous plants.

Neither the Yeoman nor the plant was ever quite the same again. She requested a transfer, it was granted, and as of last reports, her new commanding officer is struggling to comprehend her irrational fear of plants, Scottish people, engineers and beaming. According to Sulu, his poor plant positively shivers whenever the transporter is activated and isn’t eating anymore. That may be a better thing, as it no longer has to have its jaws muzzled shut.

All in all, the Engineering Deck is the biggest disaster area aboard the Enterprise, not including Captain Kirk. Fear of accidents? You bet. Irrational fear of accidents? Mr Spock and Mr Chekov are working on a study for that, preliminary results suggest not.

_Days Since Last Accident: 0.00_


	26. Erythrophobia

The worst job on the Enterprise, everyone agrees, is being in Operations, particularly Security and Engineering, otherwise known as being a redshirt. Being a redshirt is dangerous. Simply by wearing the colour red, you are automatically, according to Spock, 23.465% more likely to be killed on a mission. This is very bizarre.

It has been proposed that perhaps the red colour of the uniforms makes the wearer a better target for enemies, and therefore more likely to be killed or injured. It has also been proposed that as there are more of them, of course more will be killed. It has been proposed that red is just unlucky.

Either way, redshirts just don't like being redshirts anymore. Many have developed an irrational fear of the colour red, something that baffles non-redshirts. They have even applied to Starfleet to have their uniform colours changed.

Commander Spock says this is illogical. He does not believe a change in colour will help. The redshirts don't agree. Sciences agrees with Spock. They think it's funny. And Command? Well, they're just here to see the redshirts beat up the Science department.

Interdepartmental war? You bet. Redshirts scared of red? Most definitely.


	27. Russophobia

With all the strange beings they encounter, it was only a matter of time before something like this happened.

They’d been sent to pick up some important Admiral, who none of them could remember the name of and who none of them cared about. All went well, unusually, until said Admiral came onto the Bridge. Then he promptly screamed, like a girl, Kirk would later note, ran into the turbolift and took it all the way down to Engineering. Seriously. _Engineering._ Nobody goes down there if they can help it.

Admiral-what’s –his-name didn’t come back. Well, it would be hard to expect him to, after Engineering. He never came aboard the Enterprise again. That’s understandable. He even arranged to be picked up by another starship. This was most bizarre. Most of the people who end up in Engineering do come back eventually, and generally don’t request another Constitution-Class ship to pick them up. But then, it’s never happened to an Admiral before.

They do not find out why until it is mentioned to Admiral Pike, widely acknowledged as the only sane Admiral out there.

Apparently, this Admiral has an irrational fear of Russians.

‘Illogical. It is impossible for the Admiral to be capable of determining Ensign Chekov’s country of origin in such a short space of time. It is also completely irrational to fear a being due to their place of origin.’

Pike shrugs.

‘I told you he was a nutter. I mean, who could be scared of Ensign Chekov?’

All eyes turn to the teenager.

He has the strangest expression on his face.

It’s somewhere between upset and being ridiculously happy. Upset because his homeland has just been offended, Russians are a very friendly people after all, but happy because, for once, someone thinks he is _scary_ instead of cute, adorable or little.

His moment is shattered with a simultaneous shaking of heads.

‘No one.’

‘Absolutely no one.’

‘It’s just not possible.’

‘What’s wrong with the Admiral?’

Chekov sighs, slumps and covers his face with his hands.

‘Keptain, ven are ve getting some new crewmembers from ze Academy?’

That day can’t come sooner.


	28. Ephebiphobia

The seven close friends have gathered again, in a Rec Room, just after shift. They are in the last few weeks of the Enterprise’s third 5 year mission, after which they are going to be split up. It has been nineteen years since they first served together, in between there have been short, temporary transfers, but this time, they are parting for conceivably longer. Kirk, McCoy and Scotty are remaining aboard the Enterprise, but Spock has expressed a desire to leave Starfleet, while Uhura is becoming a Starfleet negotiator. Sulu and Chekov are taking command of two of Starfleet’s newest ships.

It is with great sadness that they part; they’ve spent so long together, saved each other’s lives countless times, and raised their children alongside one another.

‘You know, you’re all going to wish that Spock and I were still around in a couple years. If you thought the terrible two’s were bad, then wait for the teens. You won’t know what hit you!’

Bones grimaces.

‘I second that. But hopefully, this time ‘round it’ll be easier, Joanna’s all grown up, and I’ve got experience.’

Uhura shakes her head. Spock replies.

‘Do not hope for the impossible, Doctor. Our second offspring has now reached eleven years of age, and she does not show any signs of being easier to contend with than her brother was at the same age and comparable level of development.’

‘Damn it, I’m a doctor, not a guidance counsellor.’

He takes another swig of bourbon.

Kirk and Sulu are looking thoroughly terrified. Whether this is for themselves or for Bones, or because they are absolutely terrified of Bones Jr., remains to be seen.

‘Don’t be such infants, you two, you’ve got a few years before you get to the really terrible years.’

Both of them exchange glances.

‘But Spock and Uhura have got it easy! Grayson’s a quarter Vulcan! And he’s only fifteen! Bones, you’ve only got two, and Joanna’s grown up!’

‘Not to mention I’ve got three! They’ve got two! And Jim, you’ve only got David.’

Uhura massages her temples.

‘I know. I hope he doesn’t get any worse. It’s like living with a permanently emotionally-compromised Spock, no offence, dear.’

‘I do not take any.’

Chekov speaks up.

‘Vell, zey might not all be so bad! Wictor ees a wery good boy, he ees wery easy to look after! Ve talk all ze time on ze communicator!’

‘He’s only thirteen, Pavel. He’ll get worse.’

‘Anyway, you’re lucky, he’s a child genius!’

‘And he went off to the Academy this year! He’s out of your hair!’

‘Mr Chekov is statistically fortunate. He has two offspring who both display remarkable intelligence, they are both geniuses. Therefore, he should have less trouble with raising his offspring in a satisfactory manner, logically speaking, as he is also one.’

Scotty sips his scotch appreciatively and smiles, looking smug.

‘An’ this is why I dinnae have kids. I’d take a starship any day.’

All six parents look at him through tired, weary eyes. Maybe he had the right idea after all.

But years later, as proud parents, watching their children wearing their Starfleet uniforms, or getting their degrees, or getting married, they all wholeheartedly agree it was worth it.


	29. Thanatophobia

Spock stands, back straight, posture good, as ever, despite his great age. He is an old, old man now, by both Human and Vulcan standards. He does not have long left.

The Enterprise Crew, whom he came to consider his friends, despite the illogic of the term, has long passed away; he is the only remainder of that Crew that witnessed the destruction of Vulcan. He is the last survivor.

Montgomery Scott had been the first to go. He had always privately maintained that he would be. He was the old man of the ship, after all. It had been quite some time since, but he had maintained his laboratory at Starfleet Academy to the last days.

Tragically, it had been Hikaru Sulu who had followed. The elderly Admiral had been travelling aboard a starship, en route to a diplomatic meeting, when they had been ambushed. A Musketeer and hero to the end, he had died saving much of the Crew, despite his highly advanced age. Spock knows of the reports, and the tactics used are very much similar to those used by George Kirk aboard the Kelvin.

Then it had been Leonard McCoy. The paranoid doctor, fearful of death in space or by disease, had succumbed to the most natural of causes: old age, the one thing he had never feared. It had been peaceful. He had payed a visit to his old friend on the day of his death, and found that old age had not mellowed him in the slightest, he was greeted as the ‘green-blooded hobgoblin.’

Then there had been James Tiberius Kirk, Federation hero. That had been a day of mourning for many, memorial services were plentiful. True to his counterpart’s words, it had been a friendship that defined them both. He greatly missed his dearest friend, who’d been sent off in fanfare and parades. He can, almost, as Vulcans do not, imagine his friend’s cocky smile at seeing the events.

Then there was Pavel Chekov, the baby of the ship. Loyal to his motherland to the moment of his death, he had lain on his deathbed in Russia. They say that until his last days, he had told tales to his great-grandchildren of space and of Russia’s greatness. If he remembers correctly, the former Navigator’s wife would not have approved. It is strange, he cannot seem to think of the Russian as an elderly Admiral, he always seems to envision the young Ensign.

Then, finally, most devastatingly there had been the loss of Nyota Uhura, his wife and bondmate. She’d been the last to go, perhaps she had stubbornly held on, simply to say she outlasted the men. He’d been with her to the last second, seen her final breath. He’d found, illogically, that he missed her greatly, achingly. He could not wait to see her again.

It is illogical to fear the inevitable. Therefore, it is illogical to fear death. But that is not why Spock is not in the slightest bit scared. He will embrace death when it comes. For at the ceasing of his life, he will see his friends once more.


End file.
